


Why why why

by Zoya113



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:14:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22878541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113
Summary: Alice just wants to be on time for a very important date with Deb, but it really feels like the whole world is against her
Relationships: Alice & Paul Matthews, Alice / Deb
Kudos: 52





	Why why why

If they were trying to stay together for her, it wasn’t helping. They were drawing out such a painful process, she just wanted them to be done already. 

“Sometimes,” she began, anxiety lacing her words. She paused to nibble on her lip, she had spoken without preparing the rest of her sentence. “I think I’m the adult here, and I’m not even eighteen.”

“Are they fighting again, Ally?” Deb sighed, swinging her hand and gripping it just the slightest bit tighter to say she wasn’t ready to let her go. 

“No, I don’t know, but it just always feel bad. Even when they aren’t,” her voice cracked. She wanted to just be somewhere else, she wanted to be like Deb who avoided her parents by just staying out. Alice had a stupid curfew. “They think they’re doing this for me, that all they wanna do is help me but then they just don’t? I don’t understand.” When they got to her front lawn she held onto Deb like she would vanish if she let go. 

“Hey, baby, it’s gonna be okay. What’s wrong?” 

“I wish you didn’t have to go. I wish they could just know about us and then I wouldn’t have it on my mind all the time trying to keep it a secret,” she pressed her fingertips into her back through her flannel. 

Deb fiddled absently with her hair. “Hun, I’ll see you in the morning okay? And ring me if they start fighting?” 

She nodded, withdrawing but pressing her palms to her eyes. Her head was ringing and her skin was hot. She couldn’t do this all over again, she was so panicky about going home and being around her parents, she dreaded it, she counted down the hours that moved too quickly. “Yeah. I will,” She sniffled. But it wasn’t enough. She wasn’t sure what she wanted Deb to do, but ringing wasn’t enough. She needed more, she needed to put an end to it.

“Okay, hun, I’ll keep my phone on me. Are you still up to tag along for my family dinner?” She leaned in to kiss her cheek. “You make it less of a bore.” 

“Of course, Deb. I’ll be there. I’ve had it in my schedule for weeks. Walk home safely okay?” She stared at her front door as Deb left. Maybe she would just sit outside a bit longer, catch some fresh air, push it right to the limit of her curfew before walking into the hallway. 

The familiar scents and sounds of home made her skin tingle and prickle uncomfortably. She used to be a cheery kid, she liked to think she still was. But she couldn’t do this fighting every single night and she wasn’t even the one shouting. Her mental health was chipping away like weathering paint. 

She tried to go for the staircase, she didn’t want to stand through the painfully long and awkward ‘trying to touch base’ chat with her parents, but they caught her halfway up. 

“We thought you were late, Alice,” her dad said. “You weren’t with Deb again where you?” 

She knew dad didn’t like Deb, but she wished he wasn’t so open about his dislike for the most important person in her life. “No. I’m home on time.” She stood there, hands hanging over the staircase as she waited for her mother to throw something conversational at her. 

“Let her be out with her friend, Bill,” she swatted at her father’s shoulder. “Did you have a nice day, honey?”

“Yup.”

“How was it?”

The staircase wasn’t the place for this. “Yeah, it was fine,” she swung her hands, waiting impatiently to be let go of their chat. “Hey, you remember Deb’s family dinner I was invited to?” 

“When was that again?” Her dad looked to her mother. 

“Tomorrow? Six.”

They shared a wince and glanced at each other. “Oh, bad news,” her mother began, and her mind started spiralling already, doing a mental check of all that was important to her. Had they found out about Deb? Had they finally decided to get a divorce? Were they cancelling something?

“I thought you said Wednesday. Your mother and I are going to be out for dinner tomorrow. We leave at five.” God. Since when did they ever do anything together? They just had to double book the one thing that she had on, didn’t they?

“Oh. Can you just drop me off at like, four thirty then?” She felt her stomach stirring already. She’d have to kill an hour and a half outside the restaurant waiting for Deb. But she wasn’t missing it. 

“Uh. We’ll talk about it in the morning okay? We’ll think about it. We don’t want you standing outside a random place for so long. There are strange people in Hatchetfield Alice.”

“But-“ 

“Do you have to be difficult about this?” Her mother interjected. “We said we’d talk in the morning, okay? You know we’ve both been very busy.” 

Busy what? Arguing? Forgetting about their daughter? She began shifting her weight back and forth between feet, her eyes slitting, she felt like a cat about to pounce. 

“Don’t make this hard on us okay? Please? Your mother has a lot to keep in mind, don’t get upset.”

“I’ve been so busy with everything lately!” She began going off on a tangent, marching back into the kitchen where Alice could still hear her complaining. “Would it kill you to help out around the house? You’re always going out during the day. This family is falling apart you know, why can’t we all just be together for one family dinner? Alice, can’t you come unpack a dishwasher?”

She was barely stunned by that talk anymore. But it was impossible to be unfazed by her mother dropping that bomb five seconds after coming in through the front door. She was sixteen years old, not the prime time to drop that sort of stuff, Alice didn’t think it should be dropped on any child honestly. She used to blame it on herself, she used to think maybe it was her fault - she always argued back, she was always avoiding them, but now she didn’t care. Let the family fall apart! That would be way better than nights spent clamping her pillow over her ears and blasting her music so she could hear the shouts. 

She stomped back up the stairs to her room before the fighting could start all over again. She knew it was coming. 

“Wow, don’t be so hard on her! She’s in school right now! She’s busy!”

“Hey, I don’t see you helping around the house either anymore, Bill!” 

She slammed her door. Her head was so heavy that she couldn’t even think to call Deb, she had to race straight to her bed to let her head fall down onto her pillow. When she held her breath she could hear her heart thrumming, furious with her parents and how immature they could be.

She lay there with her face to her blanket, one hand gripping tightly around the ear of a toy rabbit laying on her bed. She gritted her teeth. Of course they double booked. It’s ‘caus they just didn’t care about her, even if they said they did. 

She reached for her phone in her pocket, gripping it tight in her hand. It hurt her knuckles because her hands didn’t fit the shape of the phone right. She kept gritting her teeth, working up the effort to put on a calm enough tone not to explode the moment she got the phone on. 

No, she couldn’t call Deb to say she would cancel, she couldn’t complain about it going wrong to her because then she would get nervous and Alice needed her to know she would be there.

“Uncle Paul?” She began, feeling her lower lip begin shaking. 

“Hi, Alice. What’s up?” He sounded like he was driving, or watching TV or something. He was distracted. 

”I’ve got a problem,” she started, gulping and kneading at her blanket with her toes. She knew it wasn’t nice to ask favours. 

“Are they arguing again?” He answered almost automatically. Was that because she relied on him too often? 

She nodded even though she knew he couldn’t see. “They double booked this thing I’m supposed to go to with Deb? I need a ride there and I told them weeks and weeks in advance and they just forgot! Like, they’re going out for dinner together, when do they ever do that?” She grumbled, trying not to cry. It was all so stupid how much life wanted to kick her when she was down. “It’s really important,” she whispered. “Deb just came out to her family,” she tilted her head down to her shoulder, sliding off her bed to lay on the floor. It didn’t go well for Deb. “And she wants them to meet me properly. I have to be there. It’s really important. I’ve got to prepare and dress nice and I have to be on time and be normal and I can’t miss this!” 

“Hey, well why don’t I take you?” He answered cheerfully like he had figured it out himself and like Alice hadn’t very clearly been fishing. “I’m free!” 

“Really!” She was still thrilled he had said yes. “Thank you so much, uncle Paul! That means so much to me, thank you so much, you have no idea!” She was always solving problems like this on her own, but relief still came like a wave crashing down on her. All that angry heat under her skin turned cool from head to toe, and she could sit back up and crawl onto her bed again. 

“Yeah! No problem!” He sounded excited too, he was humming to himself. “I’ll pick you up at five thirty?” 

“Yes! If that’s not too much trouble, thank you so much!” She repeated. She didn’t want to be a burden. 

Ah. Thank god she had worked that problem out. It was a good solution. Paul was always well dressed and if he had to see her off to Deb’s family on her parents behalf, he was the best man to do it. She trusted him with her whole heart. She just felt bad about wasting his time. 

“Hey, Alice?” The door came swinging open and both her parents barged in without knocking.

She clutched her phone to her chest to hide the evidence of the phone call, even though she was going to tell them anyways. It was out of reflex. 

“Yeah?”

“What about the bus? Can you take the bus?” Her dad asked. 

“Uh, it’s okay, I asked Paul! He said he would, so it’s all good. I worked it out myself!” She smiled, eyeing the door to silently tell them to see themselves out of her safe space.

“Oh, don’t bother Paul!” Her mother gasped, prodding Bill’s side in some unspoken language, he rushed out of the room to supposedly go fix her mistake of asking for help. Call Paul up and tell him not to worry. “If you want to drive then we can ask the neighbours to drive you!”

That had to be a joke. The neighbours? Her sixty year old neighbours who she hadn’t spoken to since she was twelve? For a half hour drive? What on earth was she even going to say? “Don’t ask them! You don’t need to!” She didn’t understand how that wasn’t a bigger bother. “No! Don’t do that! Jeez, okay, I’ll just take the bus, alright?” 

And then her mother stood there staring, she didn’t know what for. Get out. Get out. Just get out before she got too angry. 

“I’ll take the bus!” She repeated. “Great!” 

Her mother scowled at her outburst, “we’re just trying to help! Some parents wouldn’t even offer in the first place you know?” She slammed the door. Actually slammed it. Like she was the sixteen year old here. 

Alice’s whole face scrunched up, paralysed with anger and frustration and just utter despair. This was the most important thing she had going on and it was fucked up. Her nails ripped at her blanket, dragging them in a way that hurt the tendons of her hands and her knuckles and each of her fingers. Her teeth were digging into the skin of her lip, her heart racing so fast she was getting dizzy like her skull was full of glue. She was seeing red even with her eyes shut.   
Why couldn’t her parents just do one thing with her in mind for once? Just one thing to convince her that maybe they weren’t so awful, that maybe the whole world hadn’t been pitted against her. How long had it been like this that she had been putting up with? She was sick.

———————————————————

‘Hey hun are u nearly here?’ Deb text, and she frantically checked her half uncharged phone for the time. 

‘Yes I’m nearly there I’ll be there abt 5:50? I promise I’ll be on time 💕 dw I’ll make it’ she hoped it sounded cheery and happy enough, she hoped Deb couldn’t tell how pissed she was that she was actually catching the bus to the second biggest night of Deb’s life. Introducing Alice to her family. It was her biggest night too! Up until she finally makes the choice to come out. 

The bus was crowded and packed and she was stuck in the middle holding the pole. She hated the bus because only a certain type of people tended to take it. And right now a fair majority of it was made of elderly, funny looking men wearing sun glasses so they could look at younger girls without being caught. 

And she was just standing there, three men with their eyes on her like she didn’t know. There was a woman with a shirt that read ‘save water - drink beer’ and she smelt like cigarette smoke. There were two woman at the front of the bus taking up three other seats with their bags, sniffling and coughing without covering their mouths. 

She hated the bus. And she looked so dumb standing there in her fancy dress on public transport. 

Another red light. Turn green, turn green, turn green, still red. It’s 5:40, she’s still four stops away. Her parents were probably arguing at dinner right now, wishing they hadn’t gone. Why didn’t they know that would happen? Why couldn’t they have just driven her? Is it because they just didn’t want her to go? It was like they were ruining her social life on purpose. 

Three stops now, but they’re stalling because a man can’t get his whole ass suitcase onto the bus. 5:46, 5:47, come on. And now they’re moving again, she held on tight to the pole as the bus started off faster than before but she couldn’t even be mad at that. There was still a five minute walk once she got off. She was going to scream in a second too if this guy didn’t stop slurping at his soda so loudly. 

Her stupid parents. This stupid bus and all the stupid people on it. Why did they make her feel like she was such a waste of time? She had been dealing with this so long that she could dissect it now, not that it stopped her feeling bad - but do you ever tell a sixteen year old not to be a bother when they ask for help? Alice didn’t think it was right to tell a child that. Even if she felt guilty she knew it was a reasonable request where the ends justified the means, even Paul sounded happy, but no! It was drive with her mystery neighbours or public transport. 

‘I’m nearly there now traffic is just a bit bad :(( I will be there on time though I promise!! I’m five minutes away!’ She didn’t check her phone for Deb’s reply because she was scared she’d be mad. Her phone barely had any charge left now anyways, and she had to save some to ask her parents to pick her up again if this all went wrong. 5:57

When the bus finally got to her stop she called out a thank you to the driver and booked it, dashing down the streets, looking like a fool. Now she was going to sweat and her hair was going to come undone and she’d look like a mess. Deb would be disappointed, her family would give her hell, everything would go wrong - speaking of which - red crossing light. God damn it. Just turn, just turn. “Jesus Christ!” She knew she wasn’t supposed to take the Lord’s name in vain like that. Both parents would give her a lecture for that sort of language. Although she wondered whether it mattered as she ran across the road without waiting for the light to turn, if there wasn’t any traffic who cared? Using bad language and jay walking wouldn’t change anything because wasn’t she already supposed to be going to hell for being gay? Hey, she didn’t have time for a religious-political debate when she was already supposed to be there. 

“Deb!” She must have looked so bad, because now she was nearly crying and her face would’ve been red. Her makeup would’ve been running because her forehead was sweating and her palms were clammy and she had wrinkled her dress when she was running. 

Deb‘s head whipped up from her phone with a grin, holding open her arms to take her in despite how much she was panting and heaving. She didn’t ask why she was late or how she had gotten there, and Alice laughed because she was still dressed up in her regular flannel and docs. Maybe Alice was overdressed. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I’m late. Is everyone here?” She rubbed her eyes but not too hard because that’d smudge her makeup. So she left her eyes half-bleary. “I’m so sorry. It’s just been- ugh. It’s been so hellish, I’ll have to tell you later, oh my god.” She clenched her teeth so she wouldn’t breathe and hyperventilate. 

“Hey, calm down, Ally,” Deb’s grin was so warm, and she brushed a stray lock of hair behind Alice’s ear. “You look gorgeous.”

**Author's Note:**

> Really almost two years of writing & I just now realised I can project onto Alice huh


End file.
